When I learned that I was going to be a mother for the first time, I remember being aware of the fact that I would be 40 when that child turned 18. I just didn’t think it would go so fast. I just didn’t think we’d go from 0 to 18 to 40 in only 25 seconds. It leaves me reeling.
Today is my 40th birthday, and in true (to myself) birthday form, I have cried a lot. And no, not really a good cry either. For some reason, all the sadnesses of life have overwhelmed me on this day every year, for as long as I can remember. I think even before I can remember, actually. I am pretty sure that I comtemplated all that I had already lost on my 3rd birthday. That is why it is hard to be me.
I like getting older, but I don’t like people acting like it’s a private shame to talk about this age that I am. I am not ashamed to be 40. I’d rather be 40 than 22 or 25 or 39. It’s what I am and I want to be it and I don’t want anyone insulting me by insinuating that I shouldn’t want to be what I am. But they do. The world insinuates and the world comes right out and says it and I am left wondering what’s wrong with everyone for not wanting to be what they are. I’ve always been more on the aggressive side of passive, but passive none-the-less.
Tonight at dinner, one daughter talked about how she just doesn’t worry about stuff. She just takes life as it comes and lets it happen. And her face looked just like the flower child she is at heart with her peaceful little smile and slightly unfocused eyes and the unspoken words in her brain that we could visibly see on her face were “Peace, Love and Grooviness, man.” And her dad told her that right then, she was his favorite. And another daughter threw her hands up in the air at that and said “WOW” and looked around in disbelief and repeated herself: “WOW.” She’s more on the aggressive side of passive too. And the other daughter ignored all of them and wondered how many times I’ve come in her room after she’s fallen asleep and smoothed her hair and kissed her face and said “I love you” while she slept. Someday she’ll know. Someday she’ll know this aching joyful sadness that it is to be a mom. She’ll know that each sleep and each smooth of the hair and each “I love you” will only take her farther down a road that she can never come back from.
(When you’re 40, you can end sentences with prepositions if you want to.)
This week I read through all my birthday posts from time immemorial, which was six years ago. It made me feel a little better to remember that I’m always sad on my birthday. On second thought, it didn’t really make me feel better at all. But I do like patterns. I figure if there’s a pattern, there’s something to be excited about. So there you have it. If you want to read about fleetingness and pain and floating and grief, and you want to watch the pattern repeat itself over and over and over, then here you go.
Happy birthday to me. And to you, whenever yours may be. May all your roads be ever flowing onward through beautiful woods, sandy dunes where you lose your footing, rocky canyons, green meadows and snow-capped mountains ~ with occasional rests beside still waters.
And may some of those forest-framed roads be journeyed by fast rides on four-wheelers.
#1 by Jessica on November 5, 2012 - 11:58 pm
I love that you can sink yourself into everything you are and have, ruffling your feathers (a little indignantly) and peering at the world in defiant contentment….while at the same time feeling, and mourning, the loss of everything that has been (or could have been) and isn’t.
Fierce peace: I am beginning to understand. It’s so true; it’s so liturgical; it’s such a marvelous articulation of where we all are, we who have eternity in our hearts and the clock ticking in our veins….yet through the medium of who you are, on your own, personal, infinitely idiosyncratic journey through this life.
It’s beautiful.
So here’s to many more successively-wept-over-and-cherished years of it. Happy birthday! I’m glad you’re 40. (Tomorrow, I will be glad that you are 40 and 1 day. And the next day, I will be ever so excited that you are 40 and 2 days. TAKE THAT, DISTAINFUL WORLD.)
#2 by Kirsty Bean on November 6, 2012 - 4:49 am
I love being the age I am too. But my sadness comes in seeing my kids get older. Yet it makes me happy too! I love you though and I am so glad that you are Finally 40!
#3 by crystalautumn on November 6, 2012 - 7:02 am
You know, one of my favorite things about you was reaffirmed by your results on the strengths test we took a couple weeks ago. It was the one that we had in common, although we had different descriptions of how that particular trait embodied each of us. In your description the phrase “Still waters run deep” came up. I think I knew this about you from the moment I met you. I like how you almost referenced it in this post. I’m so glad to have met you 5 years ago, and blessed to still be a part of your life. All wonderfully wonderful 40 years of it.
By the way, Sensuality has been one of my favorite posts of yours from the first time I read it. But, then again, all of your posts are kind of my favorite. You have a gift, that I’m happy you share with the rest of us.
I think my fourth strength summed me up well: “…you can be moved to tears in times of joy, sorrow, frustration, anger, disappointment, betrayal, loss, gratitude, failure, or success.” So I am right there with you on the crying, with you and for you and beside you. But I am glad you didn’t burst all the blood vessels in your eye again. You were kinda hard to look at then:).
Jessica, it is beautiful, isn’t it? As is our sweet friend who is 40 and one day. Love you lesles.
#4 by Carlee on November 6, 2012 - 8:18 am
Forty! Who would have thought? All those years ago… happy birthday, old friend. Hope it is a wonderful week, month, year, life.
#5 by Dianne on November 6, 2012 - 10:26 am
All of this made me cry, all of you loving, aging, philosophying, beautiful friends and daughter. As I age, I cry a lot. Not from sadness, just from the days of life that have entered my bones like oil. I am completely dependent on written prayers from those who have gone before me in such matters: “O merciful God, confirm and strengthen us, that, as we grow in age, we may grow in grace, and in the knowledge of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. Amen.” Happy birthday indeed, daughter!
#6 by Rocky on November 8, 2012 - 9:50 pm
I enjoy your words precious Leslie. You are a wonderful 40-year-old! Welcome to the club. Oh yes, in my world there IS a club.
#7 by Kim on December 10, 2012 - 9:17 pm
Happy belated birthday, Leslie! It’s still your birthday year. I’m glad you share your “aching, joyful sadness” even on your birthday with us. I really, really like that line you wrote. It’s me too. I hope I get to see you before you before your next decade birthday!