Being too busy is one of the loneliest feelings I know. I hate it with my whole heart. It’s lonely because there’s all this stuff going around in my head all the time, all the time. And the stuff won’t shut up, which makes me have to be in there with it. Sometimes I’d like to share it with someone because that would make me feel better. But I always either feel like everyone else probably has their own stuff going around in their own heads and they probably don’t need to add mine to it, or that it can’t be spoken until it makes sense, which it never does, because I can’t get any of it figured out or prioritized or thrown away or whatever….so it stays in there. Unresolved and incomplete. And loud. I would even call it incandescent, if only that made sense. Because I really like that word.
Being too busy doesn’t really include all the stuff I’m doing. Because the stuff I’m doing is great. In fact, we just had a wonderful dinner with wonderful friends that we haven’t spent time with in far too long. It’s the stuff I NEED to do that can’t ever get done. That’s where the loneliness is. It’s all mine and nobody else’s and I don’t know how to do it or what to do with it or how to make the world stand still so I can go to a beach for a couple of hours. And watch the sunset.
I’m not completely alone though. I think there’s this man in my head driving a team of horses and cracking a whip, because my head hurts like a son of a gun. I think that man is shouting “Kee Yaw” whenever he cracks his whip. Which reminds me of “kiosk”. Which reminds me of a mall where people are doing Christmas shopping, which is the LAST thing I want to add to my list of things in my head. Maybe the man cracking the whip is Santa Claus and it’s not really horses, but reindeer. Whoever he is, I wish he’d stop. He’s hurting my head. Some people out there might like to take this opportunity to tell me to stop drinking coffee. They might like to relate my headaches to caffeine. Don’t even go there, people. Just stop that train before you even get on it because me and the man in my head are not going to buy that ticket.
Don’t worry; I’ll join the land of the living again sometime soon. In the meantime, I just feel compelled to let everyone know that I’m really busy, which means I’m really lonely. And being lonely is okay, every once in a while. Especially for someone like me, who really likes the idea of crying and tries to do it often. I don’t always succeed at it, but I still like the idea of it. Not like I want to add that to my list of things to do tonight, though.
I wish I knew some good lonely songs. I’d like to listen to some right now.