My Perspective

It was pointed out to me recently that I may have an inner ear infection. That may be true. That may very well be a huge factor in everything I am about to say. In fact, I think I have inner ear infections a lot. I hear a lot of inner blubbing and sometimes I feel like a river is running in there. Sometimes it feels like a river of nails. Especially when it hits the boulder that is my jaw bone and the nails all go over the jaw bone at various angles in the rushing current and I hold the sides of my face with great force while I cry out in pain.

But all that is beside the point, really. The point is that I feel like I am floating. Often. And I perceive everyone around me to be floating as well. Many times I feel as though I am moving through life in a dream. Only it’s not a dream. I am semi-aware of that fact and I try to remind myself that I am awake sometimes. But sometimes I just go with the flow. I perceive myself as moving very slowly. One foot in front of the other, turn the corner, move my head up, blink, look to the left, blink. Sometimes the blinks last long enough to get a short nap during the time that the eyelids are down. Sometimes I see people looking at me when I am outside of my house and I believe that I must have as great of an effect on them as they do on me. But this is probably due to a grossly exaggerated awareness problem that I have. But people everywhere affect me greatly. And to think that I could go completely unnoticed even though my noticing of them is huge…well that’s incomprehensible to me. How could they not notice me? I’m floating. And my movements are all in slow motion, which means when I turn around, my hair flies gently and magically in an arc around my head. I would notice that on anyone else. I’m sure of it.

Sometimes I think maybe it’s not such a good idea to drive when you’re a floater. I look around at all people in cars around me and I remember that everyone everywhere has something. Something like a teenage daughter or an aging parent or grandparents that they wish they had more time with or the stress of not knowing what to eat for dinner tonight or a love that causes their aching heart to reveal itself all over their face or a numbness that looks like emptiness or just a longing for something more. Sometimes I feel dizzy when I drive.

Sometimes my eyes don’t feel like they can look any more directions or gaze on any more beauty or hold any more pain. It scares me sometimes to let people look into my eyes. Surely they can all see the reflection of my soul in there? Maybe nobody does. That’s a thought to make a person think.

I think often of sunrises and sunsets and I long to take them in more often – both of them for different reasons. Sunrises feel crisp and hopeful. Sunsets feel gentle and romantic. Sunrises make me breathe faster. Sunsets make me breathe deeper. Nobody needs to say a thing when the sun is rising. Solitude is invigorating. Easy conversation over food and drinks is perfect when the sun is setting. The company of fellow floaters is comforting. Everything in between the sunrise and sunset is just noise, really. Mostly it’s all a wonderful, life-giving, love-creating noise. But the noise is never helpful in grounding my flighty, fleety, floaty self.

Sometimes I just long for noiselessness.

6 thoughts on “My Perspective”

  1. hmmm… and to think that I’m addicted to noise… including but not limited to music, loud violent movies… and soon enough peaceful crying babies.
    I long for noisefulness surround all-around… for the rest of my life.

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  2. I think I have always had the gift from God on high to have all the noiselessness I need (which is a good amount) in the midst of any amount of clamor. Wouldn’t give it up either. I might package it someday and sell it though.

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