Things About Me

I have some disturbing qualities that I would just like to get out in the open here. I am not bragging either. I’m a little worried about myself. There are things I like to do that probably are not the best things for me to do. In fact, many of them are downright physically painful and I do them anyway. I would even go so far as to say I ENJOY doing them. I’m wondering if I’m alone in my psychoticness.

Thing Number One: I use a certain face wash on my face twice a day. I will not change face washes because I love how it makes my skin look and feel. But every single time I put it on my face, a burning starts happening in my eyes. It starts slowly, kind of like a seep. Then it spreads into what can only be described as a feeling of toxic gas being poured into my open eye sockets. The weird thing is that I don’t even get the face wash anywhere near my eyes. I make wide circles around my eyes, only washing cheeks, forehead, nose and chin. Yet somehow, the fumes rise, seep and eventually make me feel like I might be going blind. And I like it. Yes, that’s right. I’m not even remotely tempted to wash it off at the first burning feeling. I like to let the burn spread until tears are literally pouring out of my eyes and the whites have turned a purplish color. Something about crying that hard feels good. Is this a problem, I wonder?

Thing Number Two: I like to take spoons and put them in my mouth on the outside of my teeth, toward the back, curved towards the gums. Then I close my mouth and create a suction that is nearly impossible to break. I’m not gonna lie, people….this hurts like a son of a gun. Weird, huh?

Thing Number Three: I like to flip open my cell phone and flip it shut on my nose. Sometimes I leave it there, clasped to the end of my nose while I carry on serious conversations with my daughters. I don’t think they even notice it.

I could go on but I’ll leave it at three things, I guess. I won’t go into how I’ve got my bare feet pressed up against my space heater under my desk, right now as I’m writing this post. Really…they’re actually TOUCHING the burning hot metal. It hurts.

And I also have this weird thing that pops into my head unbidden all the time. This is something I don’t actually want to pop into my head, but I honestly can’t help it. I think it’s like my biggest fear or something. For some reason, I always imagine really sharp scissors cutting my teeth in half. I want to scream even now, just writing about it. Of all the things listed here on this ever-so-important post, this is definitely the one that I never ever ever want to try.

Sometimes I think a straight jacket would help.