Hair, Part One

Well, this is where it begins. The beginning of my embarrassment. But a promise is a promise and I did promise to answer every last question. I thought I might be able to make it a little less embarrassing by accompanying my answer with photos, but alas. I am unable to scan photos all by my little ole lonesome. And I must not keep my adoring audience waiting too much longer. So while I wait on the photo-scanning genius of the family to find himself some time to devote to my hair blog posts, I’ll start with part one. The part I can do right now, by myself.

From friend of a friend, Diane: What the heck do you do to your hair to make it so amazing?

Okay. You asked for it. I’m going to walk you through it, step by step.

Step 1: Shampoo, rinse thoroughly.

Step 2: Condition, but don’t rinse completely thoroughly. Your hair needs the extra moisture and weight to combat the frizz.

Step 3: Do not rub dry with towel. Just barely blot it and let it stay dripping, soaking wet.

Step 4: Put exactly one squirt of this in your hands:

Distribute evenly throughout hair with palms of hands only. Do not use your fingers to separate curls or you’ll end up with more frizz than curl.

Step 5: Put exactly one squirt of this in your hands:

More than one squirt will result in crunchy, over-produced hair. This is powerful stuff, trust me. Again, distribute evenly throughout hair without combing through with your fingers or separating the curls in any way. Scrunching is fine. Since your hair is still dripping wet, I suggest scrunching over the sink.

Step 6: Dry with a diffuser as hot as you can get it:

The way to dry with a diffuser is to tilt your head so that as much hair as possible falls into that big mega-phone part. Then bring the diffuser as close to your head as possible and just leave it there. Slowly move around your entire head in this manner. I do not suggest turning your head upside-down because you already have more volume than any three people could ask for in this life. No, it’s best to keep your hair in pretty much the same direction as it will be once it’s dry. Diffuse until 100% dry. If you stop while still wet, the still-wet parts will turn into frizz.

Step 7: Take a flat iron to your bangs (or fringe, if you’re a fancy-pants) because they will be sticking out in a million directions after diffusing.

Step 8: Using a curling iron with a 3/4 inch barrel, touch up any straight/frizzy parts still left on your head. Your sides especially just don’t have the curl that the rest of your hair has, so just give ’em a little boost.

There you have it. Eight step process. Maybe a half hour every morning. Of course, if you then want to add clips or other such non-sensical pretties, you might be looking at another 5-10 minutes.

Up next: Hair how-to’s from all hair stages of my life, including the much-adored triangle stage, complete with visual aides.

Serious Answers to Silly Questions

From Caity: Why don’t you make lemon chicken casserole even though Grace and I ask for it all the time?????
Because I fail miserably and utterly as a mother. And as a friend.

From Bean: How long did it take before you really hated being my taxi ride in the Gold to Medical City every day?
Ah…I remember it fondly, Bean. You and me in an unairconditioned Ford Escort, cruising up Abrams in the balmy Dallas climate. Listening to country music. Dropping you off at Medical City while I took myself on over to the title company. Those were the days. And who could ask for better company than Bean? No, hate would not even begin to enter my vocabulary.

From Jason: How does one achieve a bank roll of $923K on Facebook Texas Hold ’em? Do you play the weekly tournament?
No, I don’t play the weekly tournament. I’m just really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really good at poker.

From Bean: Should you share the Gospel with words or by example?
If I were you, Bean, I would definitely stick with example.

From Knauerflower: Are you jealous that it’s snowing here, right now? Do you remember when you decided to jump off your roof into the snow?
I actually WAS jealous on the day that you wrote this question, Knauie-poo. It was 79 degrees here that day and we ate lunch outside after church. Then we went to bed and woke up to 20 degrees with freezing rain. A 60 degree drop in eight hours or so! And I’ve been freezing ever since. So, no. Not jealous anymore. Well, maybe a little, actually. Snow is really pretty. And yes, I remember that fateful night. I was sixteen and my parents were out of town and I wasn’t trying to sneak out of the house at 2am, I swear. I just wanted to jump into the snow for a little fun with my friend, Carrie, and then climb back up the fence, onto the roof and into my second-story bedroom window. I just forgot to take into account the fact the wind chill was actually 48 BELOW ZERO that night. The snow wasn’t soft and fluffy, to say the least. I sprained my ankle and had to ring the doorbell and wake up poor Dave Van Vleck who probably felt like he had failed miserably and utterly as a babysitter. He probably never made us chicken casserole either.

From Jason: What are your theories concerning Lost? Specifically the Black Rock in relation to the Others. Also, do you have any Ideas as to who Matthew Abaddon really is?
I’m not really a great theorist. All’s I know is that if my plane were to crash on an island, I would definitely be on Jack’s team.

From Kirsty: How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
A woodchuck would chuck a whole heck of a lot more butter than Betty Buyer could buy. And then he would probably huck it.

Stay tuned. All things relating to my hair coming up next….

Answer Me This

Thanks to all who have participated in my little experiment! You have made excellent guinea pigs and I shall reward you with a treat. So much fodder I now have to think about. Or chew on. Or something. Some of your questions deserve their own post, so I shall put those off for a later date. Some of them have me shaking in my microwave-warmed, lavender scented slipper-boots (t.y.v.m., Bean and Lety), so I am not even going to begin to attempt them today. But I will attempt them eventually. Someday, when I’m not so scared. And I will not take them lightly, I promise. And friend of a friend Diane, gets the prize for my favorite question so far, since she made me feel good on a day when I was feeling very bad so that question will get its own future post, complete with pictures and everything. And Chris Linebarger….where do I begin? Again, future post fodder. Just wait. It’ll be good. But for now, here is one answer that I can easily give (because I know you’re all just waiting on the edge of your desk chairs):

From Pilgrim: If you could curl up on the couch in front of the fire while roasting indoor smores with any book of your choosing, what would it be?

It would be an old family picture album, hands down. And I would have Over the Rhine playing in the background. But I also need to throw in that I just finished a book that has easily made it into my top ten favorite books of all times: Giants in the Earth by Ole Edvart Rolvaag. I want to share it with the world. It was beautifully, deeply, sad and majestic and hopeful. Love, love, loved it. Thanks for the recommendation, Bleek.

Ask Me Something

In an effort to a) breathe new life into this blog and b) find out who’s still out there, I have decided to do something incredibly, edibly risky. I have decided to do my first ever Question/Answer post. Incredible because this is MY blog, but I’m asking YOU to have input here. Edible because it rhymes with incredible. Risky because I’m going to feel so dumb if nobody asks me anything.

Here are some examples of what you could ask me:

Leslie, do you paint your toenails even in the winter when nobody can see your toes?
Why, no. No I don’t. As a matter of fact, I just yesterday finally took a nail-polish remover soaked cotton ball to the stuff that was still leftover on them from last August, all chipped and only covering the top half of each toenail. Now I feel ready for Christmas.

Leslie, how come you’ve never changed the look of your blog in two and a half years of blogging?
Because I’m a loser.

You know, stuff along those lines. Ask me anything. Really. Anything. It can be serious or stupid, shallow or deep. As long as I don’t delete your question entirely, I promise to answer it in a future post. I don’t promise to tell the truth when I answer but I do promise to answer.

I Go Along, Unmoving

I stand outside. My feet are bare. The ground is cold. I stand and turn my face up toward the night sky. The promised storms are coming. The moon is half, but the clouds race past it so quickly that I am only catching glimpses of it. Half. Gone. Half. Gone. A dog barks. The steady flow of traffic swooshes evenly from the freeway, about a mile north. The wind blows my hair straight back and plays with the leaves in the trees to the right and the left of me. The trees do not know that it’s December. They still have leaves. Dry, fragile leaves that crinkle like paper as they touch each other in the steadily strengthening wind. They hang on to these last few days of fall, unwilling to take the plunge until they have no grasp left in them. I stay. I wait. Unmoving. Breathing in. Always in. Unwilling to exhale. The earth moves around me. The clouds move. The leaves move. The branches that hold the leaves move. The moon moves. The houses around me move. Even the sidewalk beneath my feet is moving. Spinning. As if to leave me where I stand. Yet, still I stand. Waiting for the storm. Unmoving. I am still in the midst of my life. My life that is full and weighty. I feel the weight fully as the wind lifts me gently. Oh, how I desire to be drenched. Breath of God, drench me.

I exhale.

I turn and go inside while the wind is softly shut outside my door.

My living room is warm and golden.

Freshly painted.

It is not going to rain on me tonight