Archive for October, 2011

And That is Why

Every morning I am acutely aware of the deep sadness that I swim in. It’s not that anything terrible is happening although yes, life is hard right now. It’s just that even in the best of times, I am a deeply sad person. It’s one of the reasons why I can’t ever answer that ever-important question of whether I’m a morning person or a night person.

The morning is definitely when I feel the deep sadness the most. It helps propel me out of bed and into the shower like a puppet dancing on a string. It helps me try my darndest to make myself pretty, because beautiful sadness is so much more desirable than ugly sadness. It sits on my shoulder and weighs me down as I look with dismay at the clothes in my closet and realize once again that none of them will make me as beautiful as I want them to. It drives me to the kitchen to pour myself that cup of coffee with cream and sugar because surely, surely there is romance in that cup and it will linger long enough to keep the sadness company. Romance and sadness have an unbreakable bond after all. It floods me again and again with each person I say Good Morning to as I walk through the building to my office. Surely they can tell by my greeting that I’m swimming? Just barely underwater, trying to reach the surface but never making it? My Good Morning has to be the most deeply sad Good Morning of anyone in the world, right?

So one would think that I am not a morning person then, I guess.

But the night is when I’m too tired to feel anything. And I hate that. I hate it.

So I can’t be a night person.

I am pretty sure that I have finally discovered the real me though. Here I am (for real this time). Having teenagers and going back to work full time made it all clear. That helps somehow. Knowing the real me helps somehow. I don’t care about the joy-suckers of this world who say these things are good for entertainment value only. That last sentence where it says that life is not necessarily easy for me helps somehow. It makes me free to just go ahead and be deeply sad.

(The weirdest thing about this post is that I honestly didn’t remember that I had written about this before until I typed the first sentence. Typing the words triggered something in my memory and I decided to use the handy little “search” button on my blog and type the words “deeply sad.” Lo and behold, it brought me here. Five years ago, in a couple weeks. I guess I am predictable.)

I would like to send out my condolences to all who love me. I must be a difficult one to love. I sure am thankful I have so much love in my life though.

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