Solitude

This gift that I have been given, this gift of loneliness…I have received this gift before. I received it less than a year ago, when I lost my balance and I hit my head on a rocky trail.

~ I lost my memory.
~ I lost the power of speech.
~ I lost my ability to think and to reason.

It was a gift, but it didn’t feel like a gift. It felt scary and hard and extremely unproductive. I couldn’t remember the past and I couldn’t imagine the future. All I could do was sit with myself and in the process I discovered things about myself that I had never noticed before; things that make up the me that I call myself. Things that came about in complicated ways along the path I have walked, because of others who have walked that path with me, because of inner demons that I have been blind to, and because of love so great that all else pales in comparison.

And now I find myself here again in this forced turning-inward-time. It’s scary and it’s hard and it’s extremely unproductive. The past is hard to remember and I can’t imagine the future. I don’t know what to think or what to do or how to be.

All I can do is be with myself and myself feels very lost right now… and I know that so many other selves are feeling that loss as well. I don’t know much, and I am prone to losing my balance, but I have discovered a few things on this current rocky trail:

~ I have others who are walking this path with me.
~ I have demons that need to be faced.
~ I have known love in such great abundance that all else pales in comparison.

I HAVE KNOWN LOVE IN SUCH GREAT ABUNDANCE.

I can love through this fear.
I can love through this loneliness.
I am loved and I can love.